Against All Odds

If I could describe the most current emotion I am experiencing, I would state; confused. What happens on the day you decide to end your life? Maybe you have thought of it for years -then you suddenly follow-thru. What sets the gears in motion to execute the final moment? My sister committed suicide. I've never met her. She was put up for adoption by my dad and my step-mom. I was 15 yrs old. I didn't understand much of what just happened. They went to the hospital to have the baby, then came home empty handed. I remember then, being confused. What prompted that decision? How long had they known this was the plan? Why weren't we told? I sat in the backseat of the car, and asked, "where's the baby?" They didn't cover it up then, and maybe it was too painful to let us know ahead of time? It was premeditated, I'm certain. Maybe the lack of explanation was so they wouldn't be talked out of it. I believe my dad said, there's something we need to tell you. I was prepared for death. At this point maybe I was relieved the baby didn't die.

I never knew her, so I wasn't emotionally connected. My connection was only the mystery of who she was. Her name was Misty Gail. I loved the name. All of my life, until I was 35 years old, Misty Gail was missing from our lives. We wondered mysteriously where she was, and what was she like? When my brother died in 1997, we talked about her a lot. That now, if we ever met, James was gone. She missed a whole life. She will never meet, or know, James.

Then it happened. She worked in a Gov't office, and went thru some records to find her birth information. She figured it out. Suddenly we heard from her. Despite all of my memories that are so clear, I can't recall the events that took place. I'm not sure who she contacted first? At this time, my dad was terminally ill. She did manage to meet him, before he died.

She explained to us at this time, she wanted no relationship with any of us. She didn't want to know any more than, who she was, where she came from, and who was her biological family? She loved her parents and didn't want to hurt their feelings in any way. She did meet my older sister on several occasions. I never met her.

And now, I never will. I guess it's okay, she has always been just a figment of my imagination. I don't suffer knowing I will never meet her. However, I am puzzled as to what was going on, that made her take her own life? Why did she take a gun and end it all? What emotional pain could she not overcome? How long had she considered this was an option? And, most of all, why didn't she leave a note?
Did the fact that she was adopted lend to this decision? She had said, she loved her parents and never wanted them to have hurt feelings. So much for that!

I wonder was her life already taken from her, as a newborn? Is that how she felt? Or did the adoption scenario never play into any of this? Does being adopted make you feel unwanted, in any sense of the word? I would not think so. I would actually think the opposite would be true. She lived to be Thirty. She made a dramatic exit.

Do I mourn the loss of Misty Gail? No, I've suffered that loss all of my life.
She came into my life as Amy, in 1999. In 2011, she ended her life as Amy.
A few emails exchanged back and forth, was all I ever knew of her. I didn't feel comfortable getting to know her, as she was clear with her intentions. Since she was Amy, it felt awkward. I wish her name would have been Misty Gail.

This means I never met Misty Gail. She is still a baby I never held.
Maybe I will mourn the loss of her again, but I still suffer from the only emotion I have ever related to her. Confusion. I sometimes just shake my head and wonder.. what happened? What happened then, and what happened now?

Experiencing suicide twice in as many months, makes one pause. What on earth do you experience the day, you finally execute this decision? I wish I knew a little bit more of what she felt? Then again, maybe I don't.

Maybe the suicide note, is better left unwritten. For everyone' sake. After all, I was prepared for death, since the ride home from the hospital. Hearing of her suicide, really doesn't feel much different than learning she was not with us, physically. Seems to be much the same. The only thing that changed was her name.