SUICIDE

I've been thinking about the things that bother me. Really, cause I can't really seem to think of anything else. I just need to get the crap off my mind. My life has just smacked me in the face as of late, and I don't know how to get out of the cycle. Work out; yeah, I know.. but my foot has been broken. It'll be awhile yet. Since I can't work out physically, I must work out my mind.

Enter, suicide. Yeah, right? This sucks. Interesting is that is sucks more than you could ever know!!! Makes you explore every single thing about the person you lost, everything about yourself, and everything about the relationship you shared, if any. It sucks. I tell ya, sucks. It hurts. The first thing I did was download a suicide grief book on my Kindle. You can't talk about it. You can't just bring it up to someone. Sure they'll discuss suicide with you. But discuss an actual suicide? No. It's too awkward and extremely isolating. I don't even know that it's proper to bring up, in this forum. I can't find anywhere that I don't second guess my option to discuss. Here I feel like I'm bringing it up to myself. That's a little better. Still makes me ache. Death is final, that's accepted. Suicide is even more final. Final and deliberate. How in the hell does one get from alive to dead?

If someone threatens suicide and you discuss it with them.. it's troubling. Yes, it is. Every day you talk to them about it, is one more day they are alive. After they're gone, they did it. Now your left with this jumble load of questions. Questions you couldn't bare to ask when they were alive. Unless it's happened to you before.. I guess if you have a little more suicide experience, you may have some questions or solutions? That sucks; suicide experience.
If it's your first suicide however, it knocks the wind out of you. Look at this; I'm talking about me. How did a subject that is supposed to be about loss of someone, become about me? You see how it works? You see how deep and confusing suicide is? How did I get to pay this price? You took your life, and I'm paying a heavy price.

I don't know what to say to anyone. I've always been one of words and actions. Now I don't have anything. I don't have normal conversation. Nothing is interesting. I feel confined to my own thoughts. I can't get out of myself to work through these complicated feelings. It's almost like being confined to a chair, or a bed.
I'm beginng to think there's another level of breaking here. Sure, at the time it was emotionally draining. It's only been two weeks, however. Maybe there comes another breaking point before I can start to heal. There were three days I remained nauseated. Now I am nervous, almost paranoid feeling. Scared it will happen again.

This knocked my lights out. I was going to say; these are the most unexpected emotions I've ever felt. But ya know, that's not fair. I expected this all along, in fact, that may be part of the problem.